Month: November 2017

It’s not surprising that a rival studio to New Line thought that the market would support another “Lord of the Rings”-style medieval adventure, but surely someone, somewhere along the way, took a look at the structure of “Eragon,” the best-selling novel by then–teenager Christopher Paolini, and thought, “Isn’t this just ‘Lord of the Rings’ crossed with ‘Star Wars’?” And, of course, that’s exactly what “Eragon” is. Even the name is only a few letters removed from Aragorn, son of Arathorn, a.k.a. Strider, a.k.a. Viggo freaking Mortenson. And if this movie is missing anything – and it isn’t just missing anything, it’s missing lots of things – it is a cast that boasts anyone remotely as cool as Viggo Mortenson. No, instead we get John Malkovich, who used to be cool but is now the only person in Alagaesia that speaks in an American accent, even though everyone else around him is clearly British.

There were so many ways that “Enchanted” could have gone wrong. Poking fun at the wonderful world of Disney is not exactly uncharted territory – the original “Shrek” was little more than a big ‘fuck you’ to Jeffrey Katzenberg’s former employers – but when the studio doing the poking is Disney itself, well, now you’re walking a particularly slippery slope. If you don’t go far enough, you run the risk of looking like you can’t take a joke. Go too far, and you’re being disrespectful to the qualities that made people love Disney movies in the first place. It is therefore to Disney’s immense credit that they navigated these treacherous waters and delivered a surprisingly entertaining movie that possesses the trademark Disney magic while administering a few well-deserved jabs in the ribs at the same time.

Joe Simpson is a pimp.

I’ll explain that.

Jessica and Ashlee Simpson’s father is one of the executive producers of “Employee of the Month,” a slacker comedy whose characters bear little resemblance to anyone you’d run across in real life, and Joe, in his infinite wisdom, thought this vapid little movie was the perfect vehicle for his little Jessica. Then again, I suppose this kind of business strategery is to be expected from the man who once said about his eldest daughter, “She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” Classy with a K, as my friend Geoff would say. Dude is whoring out his children for money, which, in my book, makes him a pimp.

It’s hard to put down a movie like “Elysium.” Let’s rephrase that: it’s actually quite easy to put down a movie like “Elysium” – it just gives us no pleasure in doing so. It’s a movie that urges people to think of the needs of others, and the satisfaction that comes from helping the less fortunate. A noble cause, to be sure, but in order to make his point, writer/director Neill Blomkamp (“District 9”) resorts to painting with an awfully broad brush, and the complex issues of health care and the distribution of wealth that “Elysium” seeks to tackle are marginalized by half. What’s left to enjoy are the visuals and some visceral hand-to-hand combat, which is nice (think “Terminator 2,” with humans) but this is a movie that had bigger fish to fry, and let them off the hook.

“Easy A” is a well-studied mash-up of every great teen comedy of the last 25 years, yet has its own distinct personality. The framing of the story is the main reason for this, but ultimately the credit goes to a literate and well-plotted script by Bert V. Royal, who makes the most ridiculous moments seem plausible.

“Earth to Echo” is the kid who has consumed so much pop culture that he no longer has any thoughts of his own. Everything he says and does is someone else’s idea, not necessarily mindless but rather overloaded by information. And yet, it’s strangely likable, in spite of the myriad of shortcomings it possesses. The leads are easy to root for; they’re good kids who are looking to take one last adventure together before they are separated. It’s a movie that acknowledges cynicism, but shows a more hopeful path. It’s hard to get too down on a movie like that, even a mediocre one.

“Eagle Eye” is a college drinking game waiting to happen. Arm all of the participants with buzzers from the guessing game “Taboo,” and whenever someone sees a reference to a more popular – and far better – movie, they hit their buzzer and blurt it out, while everyone else has to take a drink. Buzz. “Phone Booth!” Drink. Buzz. “Enemy of the State!” Drink. Buzz. “Final Destination!” Chug. You see where this is going: the movie’s premise is an over-the-top mash-up of action movies from the last ten years, though its main source of inspiration is a movie made far before its two leads were even twinkles in their parents’ eyes. I’d say more, but to be honest, it would give the whole game away.

“The Town” showed that you could take a well-worn premise and still make something fresh and interesting with it. Most of the time people try to do that, they end up with a movie like “The Eagle.” It’s quite lovely to look at, but it doesn’t really mean anything. It’s a sword and sandals reluctant buddy road movie, and it’s clear how it will end from the moment it begins.

It’s now the first week of August, which is as good a time as any to take a look back at what the moviegoing public has been subjected to over the last three months. This should be fun.

“xXx: State of the Union”: sequel
“House of Wax”: remake
“Star Wars Episode III”: sequel/prequel
“The Longest Yard”: remake
“The Honeymooners”: TV adaptation
“Mr. & Mrs. Smith”: remake
“Batman Begins”: prequel
“Herbie: Fully Loaded”: sequel/remake
“Bewitched”: TV adaptation
“War of the Worlds”: remake
“Dark Water”: Japanese remake
“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”: remake (screw Tim Burton, it’s the same source material)
“The Bad News Bears”: remake

It’s never a good sign when a movie improves the second its top-billed actor, and namesake, leaves the screen, but such is the case with “Drillbit Taylor,” the latest Judd Apatow-shepherded laughfest. Owen Wilson may be the movie’s box office draw, but he proves to be more of a distraction than anything. Indeed, the whole affair reeks of last-minute tampering, something Hollywood continues to do despite the fact that it almost never works.